Fans of our old feature ‘The Credit Crunch – with Jolean Lescott’ will be sad to hear that it will cease to continue under the current management of iaab. We refuse to align ourselves with a man who claims to be looking for the best deals in football; despite the fact that he is the most overpriced player in the league just now.

We can confirm that we are in pre-contract negotiations with IAAB favourite Mido, to take over the feature. We hope to make an announcement in the coming weeks.

Mystic Wes 12

Wes Brown has been getting a good run of appearances in the United team of late, but he’s still managed to take some time out to give us a few midweek predictions. We missed him when he called but he left us a voicemail to let us know that “Alan Shearer will be wearing a horrific shirt on MOTD on Wednesday”.

Breaking news: It’s All About Bouncebackability Returns in Reserves Run-Out!

It has been a ridiculously long time since any action was had from iaab’s front two that you’d be forgiven for thinking the blog was written by Owen Hargreaves and Wilfred Bouma. Now that we’re back from visiting horse placenta doctors, southern ‘massage’ parlours and Wayne Bridge’s house we can get back to doing what we do best – irreverently dissecting the weird and sometimes wonderful world of professional football.

It would be too dismissive of us to ignore *everything* that's happened over the past three months so here is the one thing that we really need to bring to your attention: Nicky Shorey's Wedding Photos

Tonight sees Villa hosting an in-form Manchester United team, in a dress rehearsal for the Carling Cup final later this month. Chelsea will be looking for a win in the battle of the ‘blue teams that most people hate’ showdown at Goodison, while Liverpool and Arsenal face one another to decide who has a more annoying/deluded (delete as appropriate) manager.

Phil Brown upsets two IAAB favourites

Following the last blog piece regarding Phil Brown he has further dropped in our estimations following his deadline day behaviour.

He made offers for both Benjani (this week's player of the week) and Marlon Harewood, but then never called to confirm the transfers.

Marlon is especially fragile at the moment having been dropped in favour of the physio at Villa for a recent reserve game. This move could have seen him back on track.

Portsmouth swooped for Benji after Phil neglected to sign, but unfortunately got the wrong bus south, and thus is still a Man C player.

Phil Brown: Is he Crap?

All of us are aware of the Premier League's very own Mexican manager Phil Brown, but after a season and a bit managing Hull in this league, we have to ask the question is he any good?

Last season, despite a superb start to the season followed by a monumental Leeds United style fall Brown managed to keep the Tigers in the prem. Along comes 09/10, and the difficult second season. Unlike Wigan and Bolton who have previosuly managed to avoid a second season drop, I have absolutely no faith that Phil Brown can do the same. To start with, the man doesn't look like a football manager, but the house karoke singer from 'Linker's bar' in Teneriffe.

Add to this his inability to deal with his team (I won't go into the pitch team talk at Eastlands last season), and his difficulty in the transfer market (Benjani today rejecting a move to the KC on grounds that Brown is a bit of a bell end) and you have the makings of the first managerial casulaty of the year. Sorry Phil. Though you never know, Paul (who?) Hart may well just pip you you it!

Mystic Wes 11

Many of you will know Wes Brown as the sometime Man United, sometime England defender. Others will know him as Mystic Wes due to his ability to predict the future with resounding accuracy. Every week, Wes will make his predictions known. A great source if you want to get a cheeky bet on.

Wes' record for the 2008/9 season was outstanding and we have full confidence that this will continue this term.


This week Wes has predicted that there will be a surprise addition to the Man United squad against Chelsea in the Charity Shield this afternoon. He said "All I'm saying is that he's an ex Liverpool, Real Madrid and Newcastle striker, who is most famous for scoring a goal for England v Argentina in the 2008 World Cup. He is also fond of horses. I don't want to give too much away".

We will be going to Wes on a weekly basis to get his predictions throughout the season.

The New Season

After a sloppy end to last season IAAB Bouncebackability is back for the new season. New features, interviews and possible lat signings are a prospect for the team. We have managed to keep hold of the big name players; Uncle Roy and Mystic Wes, despite some interest from abroad. At the moment we are unable to talk about the future of Jolean Lescott, but we hope this will be resolved within the week.

IAAB back once again - with news!

Another significant period of time has past since we last wrote. Apologies to our thousands of fans who have been left out to dry during this baron period.

There is a reason for this. Number 9 got engaged, and as a result has been tied up with other less important things for a few weeks. I have no excuses however, apart from the fact I don't have a reasonable internet connection.

To compensate for this I have been round the premier league grounds receiving congratulatory messages for number 9 following his good news.

We start at Wigan, where I met Mido in the JJB car park.

"Hey, great news on your engagement. Unlucky for Spurs that I am playing well at the moment. Should never of let me go."

Thanks Mido. From the JJB I went to Newcastle to meet Shearer. Little did I know that while Charles N'Zogbia had climbed into the boot of my Hyunda Getz and jumped out at the crucial moment hollering abuse at Shearer. Following this the Newcastle manager refused to comment on our good news.

So onwards to the Reebok. I was meeting Matt Taylor but as a bonus the gaffer, Gary Meggy Megson joined him.

Taylor - "Congrats mate, I knew you two would get married, wish it was me"

Megson - "This promises to be a fine event; I will start preparing a reading for the ceremony right away"

Megson also recommended a good vicar to conduct the ceremony. I was to meet him in Liverpool near Anfield and all I knew was his name was 'Sam'. I waited for what seemed an age before a builders van with ladders on the roof pulled up beside me. Unbelievably Sammy Lee got out. He apologised for being late, apparently he had been at Rafa's this morning doing some electrical wiring which had been a bigger job than he’d expected. It turns out he was the vicar Meggy had recommended. He said “oh yeah, I married half the Bolton squad and more recently Kuyt. I’ll do your ceremony, £30.00 all in.

Great, with the sorted we only had time for one more visit. I went South and to the home of, you guessed it, Uncle Roy.

Walking into Roy’s home was like taking a trip back to the sixties. Beige wallpaper, thick carpets and the smell of pensioners were what stood out for me. Roy was settling down in his favourite to an afternoon pipe but gave us these kind words.

“Marriage, I’ll tell you about marriage – It was 1962 and I was out shopping Gerry Francis. It was a Friday and we were off out on the pull, like any other Friday. I bought these grey cords, but my trick was always to buy a size too small. That way the ladies always have something to look at. Anyway, we got down ‘bar Copacabana’ early doors as we knew there would be fierce competition out that night. I had three pints of ale, Bass if I recall and Gerry and I were on the dance floor jiving away. Then rip. I burst my trousers. Couldn’t believe it. Gerry had the last laugh on that occasion. He had chosen to wear his trusty grey suit that he still wears to this day on Sky Sports News. It served him well, put it this way, he scored in more way than one that weekend!

Thanks Roy. Congratulations Number 9

Rafa's Factbook 2

1. Liverpool are going to win the Champions League.

2. Alex Ferguson is wrong.

3. Everton ARE a small club.

The Credit Crunch With Jolean Lescott 4

He's better known for landing crunching tackles on his opponents, but Everton centre half Jolean Lescott is also our resident shopaholic who looks high and low for bargains from club shops across the country. He is dedicated to helping you; the consumer with your day to day shopping. Jolean has enjoyed the multitude of European football on his TV this week and has been doing a bit of bargain hunting in the continental club shops. His first and most fruitful visit was to the Shakhtar Donesk club shop, where he found a number of must-have items for the rest of the season.


Jolean is obviously a Premier League footballer, and as such can afford to drive a nice car. His current spin is a 2007 Citroen Xsara Picasso; as he feels it mirrors his artistic side. There's nothing he hates more than to have a smelly car, so the right air freshener is essential. Shakhtar have this beautiful freshener on sale in their club shop for 6 Ukranian Grivna, which equates to around eight pence. Needless to say Jolean has bought 10,000. "I mean you can't put a price on the smell of a man's car. Sometimes I need to give the gaffer a lift home when his old Cortina breaks down. What would he say if my car smelt like Tony Hibbert's socks? I'd get dropped that's for sure!"

The air-freshener is available from http://www.shop.shakhtar.com/.

Goal of the Month - March

There were a few beauties scored last month, but we have decided that Carlos Tevez's effort against Fulham in the F.A. Cup was the standout strike. It was a Screamer!

Apologies for the video quality.

April Poll

Although some of you will have already noticed the new poll on the blog, we wanted to draw attention to it, and also reveal the results from March.

We had asked you how many goals Manchester United would concede during the month with 41% opting to go for 5-10. Once again the majority rules with United letting in seven goals, including that 1v4 home defeat to Liverpool.

This month we have turned to the Champions league, and ask how many goals will be scored in the Quarter-Finals stage of the competition. The poll is open until the end of next week so get voting.

Ask Uncle Roy 3

It's been a mixed month for Roy, first getting a win against Manchester United, only to lose to Liverpool the following week. Fortunately for us his advice as an agony uncle is far more consistent than his team's results. We sat him down to run his eye over an e-mail we had in from Lee from Leeds.

"Hi Roy. I have recently installed 18 spotlights in my kitchen to improve the lighting in the room. Unfortunately this seems to have coincided with a loss of power to all of the power sockets in the adjacent dining room. I had re-wired the room as I thought was correct, but now I am at a loss. I have tried to re-wire the power sockets into the circuit but to no avail. I know you are a dab-hand on the old electrics Roy - please help!"

"Hello Lee. Thanks for pointing that out. Many people don't know how good I am round the house. I learned how to wire electrics in 1971. I did a day course at the local college and learned everything I needed to know. Back in those days we had to do all our own wiring round the house. Mind you we didn't have all these appliances like the kids have nowadays. I tell you from their gamestations to their sex-boxes they will all end up with eyes worse than Paddy Kenny. And that's no mean feat. In my day we'd have to make do with a ball and some chalk."

Rafa's Factbook 1

Everyone who knows football, knows Rafa Benitez loves a fact. We have had the pleasure of sitting down with Rafa to discuss his general knowledge of football and other less serious matters.



We have carefully documented some of his "facts" for your pleasure. It would be a good idea to note these down as you never know when they might pop up in a pub quiz. Rafa was delighted that we had taken an interest in his mind; saying "Yes. Very good." We're not saying that we agree with him on everything; in fact we think he's full of s**t, but we'll let you make up your own mind.


Fact 1: Liverpool have played against Chelsea this week.



Fact 2: Mars is the home of Olympus Mons, the largest known volcano in our solar system.



Fact 3: Lucas Levia was a good buy.

Mystic Wes 10

First off we must congratulate Wes on his predictions for the last round of international games. He was adamant that Christian Noboa would score; and right enough the lad from Equador scored the goals in the 1v1 draws with Brazil and Paraguay.

Back onto real (domestic) football Wes has stated that there will be a blatant penalty in the league over the weekend. We spoke to him this morning and he said; "well the way I see it the ref has no choice. Got to be a pen."

EXCLUSIVE - Ferguson & McGregor Interview

On the day when Barry “Baz” Ferguson and Alan “who shagged all the birds?” McGregor were banned from playing for Scotland, we managed to sit them both down for a quick chat. We met them at the Snaffle Bit lounge in Glasgow’s trendy West End. The lads had clearly been pounding it when we found them. Barry had a penis drawn on his head in biro, while Alan was sitting in his pants. We here at iaabouncebackability are always professional, and we apologise for any offence the following interview may cause.

Iaab: Alright lads, how’s it going?

Barry: Pure baws man

Alan: Aye pure baws like

Iaab: Don’t you think it’s kinda your own fault?

Barry: Naw

Iaab: Well it is though isn’t it?

Barry: Naw

Iaab: What about you Alan, what are your thoughts?

Alan: Roon ye man [Alan spills the rest of his pint and storms off]

Iaab: Alan wait.......

Barry: Leave him. He’s a pure fud.

Iaab: That’s not a very nice thing to say about your team-mate.

Barry: Aye well he is.

Iaab: Oh well, we’ll take your word for it. So are you ever going to play for Rangers again?

Barry: Well not the now; no.

Iaab: Really? Is that an exclusive?

Barry: Naw. I just mean no the now cause I’m blootered.

Iaab: Don’t you think this is a bad idea; drinking again?

Barry: Get tae f**k man. You are a pure fud an all!

At this point Barry stands up from the table, falls flat on his face and throws up all over his Le Coq Sportif bag. We couldn’t help but laugh, which only antagonised the shamed Glaswegian. What followed was a 50 word tirade of abuse that we refuse to print.

The conduct of Alan and Barry has been disgraceful this week and we fully support the decisions of the SFA and Rangers football club. If you have been affected by any of the issues discussed in this interview, you can contact our resident agony Uncle, Roy Hodgson at youcancallmestan@hotmail.co.uk.

We managed to get a photo of Alan before he left:

Ask Uncle Roy 2

We eventually managed to get hold of Uncle Roy. It turns out he had been on a 2 week long bender with Dave Jones, Micky Adams and Peter Taylor celebrating his dismantling of the champions of the world.

We found Roy and the boys in the Horse and Groom just off Bayswater Road thanks to a tip off from Dace Bracegirdle (once again Dave comes up trumps, thank you Dave). He was playing 'hoops' and winning convincingly. We carted him off to the iaabouncebackability offices, sobered him up and sat him down to deal with a difficult problem facing Nigel from Belfast.

"Hi Roy, I have recently been laid off from my job as a taxi driver. I have two children and a wife that spends money like it's going out of fashion. I have been looking for a job for some time with no success, and I am worried I am going to lose my wife if I don't turn it round soon. She is very critcal of me, but I love her. I just want to make her happy. Please help Roy."

Hello Nick, Your problem is typical of a man living in Brown's Briatin. The Labour Government driving people out of jobs and breaking up families. Thats why I left in the 60's Paul, got myself across to the Costa Del Sol. Brilliant it was, had a three bedroom villa, use of a shared pool and crazy golf down the street. I remember a time I played Roy Evan's, the former Liverpool manager down there. It was neck and neck going into the last. I put the old bugger off by farting. Hilarious it was, and it stank. I putted the winner, and walked off with the prize. The keys to Roy's 1971 Volvo Amazon! Chin up Martin!

Pictured - Uncle Roy (far left) out with the lads!

Official Q&A

This week we link to Moritz Voltz's website to find out a bit more about Ipswich's loveable utility man.

http://www.moritzvolz.com/AboutMe/GettingPersonal/

Mystic Wes 9

Unbelievable. Wes has done it again. Indeed there were contrasting fortunes at the top of the league this week. This week Wes was referring to the premier league where two of the top four won, and the other two lost including his own Manchester United. Perhaps Wes should pass on some of his predicting abilities to Sir Alex?



Asked what was going to happen in this International Week of Football Wes commented "he's bound to score, no doubts." Come back next week to see if Wes is right once again!

The Credit Crunch With Jolean Lescott 3

He's better known for landing crunching tackles on his opponents, but Everton centre half Jolean Lescott is also our resident shopaholic who looks high and low for bargains from club shops across the country. He is dedicated to helping you; the consumer with your day to day shopping. There is an article in today’s Daily Record which highlights the financial plight of some of the clubs at the bottom of the SPL table. It seems that relegation could spell the end for more than one, with Kilmarnock being highlighted as being in particular danger. With this in mind Jolean has set his sights to the Killie club shop, to encourage punters to put some money towards their cause.

The item that took Jolean’s eye was the turf plaque; a bargain at £16.00. in a beautiful frame, there is a square of grass from the hallowed Rugby Park. There is also a lovely print of the club crest alongside it. Jolean said of the piece; “This is a wonderful gift for any football fan. Obviously the only grass for me is at Goodison, but I’d recommend anyone buy this piece. You will be getting a wonderful mantelpiece feature and helping a club in financial trouble.”

The plaque is available from http://www.killieshop.com/ and Rugby Park.