What's Going On at Chelsea?

In a week where ‘Big Phil’ was sacked as the manager of Chelsea, there have been further reports of cracks and rifts in the Stamford Bridge dressing room. A team that looked so solid only two years ago is starting to crumble. Scolari has criticised the beurocracy of the Chelsea team; there is clearly only one way to sort things out once and for all, and that’s with a good old fashioned fight. Ladies and Gentlemen; welcome to the Chelsea Football Club Championship 2009.


This glorious competition is between the two halves in the team. Each side is represented by five senior team members, who will compete in a series of painstakingly brutal events, with the winner naming the club captain and manager for the 2009/10 season. There will be five challenges; a mix of single and multi-player games. Team captains will nominate who takes part in each event. Due to the competitive nature of proceedings teams were labelled 1 and 2. Let’s have a look at the team sheets.

Team 1

John Terry (C)
Frank Lampard
Michael Ballack
Joe Cole
Deco

Team A

Didier Drogba (C)
Juliano Beletti
Jon Obi Mikel
Ashley Cole
Florent Malouda

Event 1 – The Joey Barton Experiment

This is a test of restraint. Individuals from each team are put in a room with Joey Barton. Joey is in a full kit doing keepy-ups, whilst singing the popular 90’s song “Living La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin while the competitor must restrain themselves from going through him.

First up. Team 1. Ever the captain John Terry nominates himself to take on this first challenge. Ever the professional John managed to stay in the room for an impressive 2hr 45mins before giving up.

Didier Drogba, captain for Team A selected Jon Obi Mikel to take part in the first challenge. This proved to be a mistake with Mikel snapping Barton after a mere 34 seconds. Drogba's judgement was called into question by Florent Malouda who said of Mikel "Il casserait une fille de dix ans donnee la chance." (He would snap a ten year old girl if given the chance).

Team 1 (1) – (0) Team A

Event 2 – Lawrie Sanchez’s Limerick Challenge

For this test of reflex and quick thinking we have brought in the former Northern Ireland manager Lawrie Sanchez. One player from each team will compete at the same time for this event. Mr Sanchez will recite the beginning a limerick, with the first competitor to correctly finish the line collecting the points. Best of three wins.

Team 1 have put forward Joe Cole for this event, while Ashley Cole; full of self importance has nominated himself. Could it be that Drogba has lost the unity of team A?

First Limerick – There was a young lady from Hyde, // Who ate a green apple and died. // While her lover lamented, // The apple fermented // ?????????

Straight in there with “And made Cider insider her inside” – Ashley Cole! He must have heard that one before!

Second Limerick – I once had a blind date with Cilla, // I took her to watch Aston Villa. // She sang to the crowd, // And she sang very loud // ?????????

All eyes are on Ashley after his impressive performance in round one. He looks confused. Joe on the other hand is beginning to laugh, saying “And that's why they threatened to kill her.” Bang on. He then went on to explain that Steve Sidwell had told him that one in the pub during the previous week.

Third Limerick – I went to the staffroom one day, // For a nice cup of tea during play. // But a troll had got in, // And was making a din // ?????????

The two Coles were locked in battle. There was so much riding on this question, but neither could come up with the right answer. A few guesses were wide of the mark. Frustrations clearly boiled over when Joe quipped “it should be ‘His name was Ashley the gay’.”

Ashley Cole, ever the target of homosexual rumours lost the plot at this remark and proceeded to punch Joe in the face. Joe went down like a sack of potatoes. After much arguing, our independent adjudicator Mark Lawrenson decided to disqualify both competitors. For those interested the correct answer was “Even though he had nothing to say.”

Team 1 (1) – (0) Team A

Event 3 – The Unfortunate Curbishley Incident

This event is designed to test the effectiveness of each individual. We have gathered 30 members of the public and split them into two groups. Each group would be left in a room with Alan Curbishley for an hour, with Alan going into detail why he “deserves to be a Premiership manager.” Obviously the mood in the room after an hour with Curbishley isn’t going to be great. Our competitors will enter the room alone and try to change the mood within 10 minutes.

First up is Florent Malouda for Team A. He entered the room and started to mingle with the guests. Strangely though, no-one seemed to notice him. It was like he wasn’t even there. We waited for 10 minutes and called an end to his attempt. Afterwards none of the guests were able to recall his performance.

Team 1 looking to capitalise on the situation send in Deco. Much like Malouda before him, he struggled to make an immediate impact. It wasn’t looking great until around the nine minute mark when he shouted, in slightly convoluted English “Shut up Curbishley! You are a terrible manager and you don’t deserve to be at a Prem club. You are a failure and above all a total pri*k!” The room erupted with laughter and vocal concurrence. Round three to Team 1 then.

Team 1 (2) – (0) Team A

Event 4 – George’s General Knowledge

In the penultimate event, Michael Ballack and Juliano Beletti will be tested on their knowledge of English Lower league football by Scotland manager George Burley. Each player will answer five questions with the winner taking the point. If the score is tied after five then we head to sudden death.

It’s clear that neither player is particularly up to date with the lower leagues as it took us until the 8^th extra question for a correct answer. Juliano correctly named Graham Turner as Hereford United manager. The only reason he knew this was because they had met in Café Nero the last time Graham was through in London. Apparently they spoke for 5 minutes, but Beletti didn’t have a clue who he was. He took a photo on his mobile and showed it to Ray Wilkins who filled in the blanks.

Team 1 (2) – (1) Team A

Event 5 – Penalties with Petr

For the final challenge both teams will take penalties against Chelsea number 1 Petr Cech. The first penalty will be taken by the competitor yet to be involved. First up for team 1 is Frank Lampard. The England man blasts the ball into the bottom left – Cech didn’t even move; great pen!

Next up is Didier Drogba. He opts for the same corner and finds the net by narrowly avoiding the fingers of Cech. Deco next up for team 1 plants the ball in the top corner. There’s no way Cech was saving that one, although again he didn’t even dive. Team A are not convinced by his performance or allegiance so far.

Ashley Cole takes a short run up, but Cech saves his penalty down to his right. It wasn’t a great penalty but Team A are incensed at the keeper’s save. Team 1 currently lead 2 v 1.

With a chance to put his team 3 v 1 up, we have Joe Cole. He is looking at the bottom left corner and that’s exactly where his pen is going – until it comes back off the up-right. Shocker! Malouda doesn’t waste the chance to level things up with a powerful penalty straight down the middle.

Ballack is up next for Team 1 and makes no mistake. The German international captain places his shot into the side netting. Cech had no chance although we’re sure he’s not trying. Mikel needs to put this one away or JT will have one for the win. He takes a short run up and aims low but Cech makes an excellent save, tipping it onto the outside of the post. Would you believe it!?

John Terry steps up. We all know what happened last time he was in this situation. Fear is written all over his face. He takes a deep breath, runs up and hits it. Surely not! It’s happened again. Poor John looks in anguish as his penalty sails over the crossbar. His nerves surely got the better of him. It’s up to Beletti now to capitalise on this mistake. He finds the net and we go to sudden death!

So it’s back to where we started. Lampard opts to blast it down the middle. Cech again makes no effort to save the ball but the sheer ferocity of Franks shot catches him unawares and it clips his head and bounces up onto the crossbar. Drogba now has a chance to win. He surely couldn’t have thought he would get the chance.

No mistake. Drogba sends Cech the wrong way and the ball nestles in the bottom right corner. With the score now tied we head to the tiebreaker round.

Team 1 (2) – (2) Team A

Event 6 – Cookie’s Crossbar Challenge

To settle this we have drafted in two Chelsea legends to undertake the crossbar challenge. Each player will take it in turns to shoot from the halfway line in a bid to hit the bar. Competing in this special challenge we have Dan Petrescu and Gianluca Vialli. Adjudicating this event we have a man who knows European football like the back of his hand, Chris ‘Cookie’ Coleman.

In what turned out to be a long drawn out event Petrescu won it for Team 1 after his 86^th attempt. Notes have been taken that this isn’t a time-effective way to settle a contest.

Team 1 have decided that JT will remain captain for next season and they will draft in Harry Redknapp to take over as manager. Watch this space.

Team 1 (3) - (2) Team A