Ask Uncle Roy 2

We eventually managed to get hold of Uncle Roy. It turns out he had been on a 2 week long bender with Dave Jones, Micky Adams and Peter Taylor celebrating his dismantling of the champions of the world.

We found Roy and the boys in the Horse and Groom just off Bayswater Road thanks to a tip off from Dace Bracegirdle (once again Dave comes up trumps, thank you Dave). He was playing 'hoops' and winning convincingly. We carted him off to the iaabouncebackability offices, sobered him up and sat him down to deal with a difficult problem facing Nigel from Belfast.

"Hi Roy, I have recently been laid off from my job as a taxi driver. I have two children and a wife that spends money like it's going out of fashion. I have been looking for a job for some time with no success, and I am worried I am going to lose my wife if I don't turn it round soon. She is very critcal of me, but I love her. I just want to make her happy. Please help Roy."

Hello Nick, Your problem is typical of a man living in Brown's Briatin. The Labour Government driving people out of jobs and breaking up families. Thats why I left in the 60's Paul, got myself across to the Costa Del Sol. Brilliant it was, had a three bedroom villa, use of a shared pool and crazy golf down the street. I remember a time I played Roy Evan's, the former Liverpool manager down there. It was neck and neck going into the last. I put the old bugger off by farting. Hilarious it was, and it stank. I putted the winner, and walked off with the prize. The keys to Roy's 1971 Volvo Amazon! Chin up Martin!

Pictured - Uncle Roy (far left) out with the lads!

Official Q&A

This week we link to Moritz Voltz's website to find out a bit more about Ipswich's loveable utility man.

http://www.moritzvolz.com/AboutMe/GettingPersonal/

Mystic Wes 9

Unbelievable. Wes has done it again. Indeed there were contrasting fortunes at the top of the league this week. This week Wes was referring to the premier league where two of the top four won, and the other two lost including his own Manchester United. Perhaps Wes should pass on some of his predicting abilities to Sir Alex?



Asked what was going to happen in this International Week of Football Wes commented "he's bound to score, no doubts." Come back next week to see if Wes is right once again!

The Credit Crunch With Jolean Lescott 3

He's better known for landing crunching tackles on his opponents, but Everton centre half Jolean Lescott is also our resident shopaholic who looks high and low for bargains from club shops across the country. He is dedicated to helping you; the consumer with your day to day shopping. There is an article in today’s Daily Record which highlights the financial plight of some of the clubs at the bottom of the SPL table. It seems that relegation could spell the end for more than one, with Kilmarnock being highlighted as being in particular danger. With this in mind Jolean has set his sights to the Killie club shop, to encourage punters to put some money towards their cause.

The item that took Jolean’s eye was the turf plaque; a bargain at £16.00. in a beautiful frame, there is a square of grass from the hallowed Rugby Park. There is also a lovely print of the club crest alongside it. Jolean said of the piece; “This is a wonderful gift for any football fan. Obviously the only grass for me is at Goodison, but I’d recommend anyone buy this piece. You will be getting a wonderful mantelpiece feature and helping a club in financial trouble.”

The plaque is available from http://www.killieshop.com/ and Rugby Park.

Ask Uncle Roy

You've heard of "Dear Deirdre", the sun's successful agony aunt column....?

Well here at iaabouncebackability, we have recruited our very own Agony Uncle. Most of you will know him as the manager of Fulham FC, or from your local Sainsburys where he helps out on Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights.




Roy Hodgson now has another string to his bow, offering advice to you, the humble football fan. He will be taking questions on a weekly basis on both football related matters as well as more personal matters including relationship, sexual health and career advice.

Roy said of his new role, "I have been on this planet for nearly 90 years now, and in my time I have travelled the world and experienced everything. My wife often calls me 'chief wisdom', on account of my tremendous knowledge about everything, from canal boats to the Japanese military. I am ready to share this knowledge now. Remember, no problem is too big for Uncle Roy."

We are extremely excited about our latest recruit, and there is a true buzz about the bouncebackability office. Send all your questions to youcancallmestan@hotmail.co.uk and you never know, Roy may be changing the course of YOUR life!

Week 1;

Dear Roy,I have been going out with my girlfriend now for 8 months, and for the most part it has been brilliant. We met at a roller disco in Milton Keynes, and since then I have moved jobs to be near to her, and have even sold my flat to buy something in the MK area. I thought it was great, until I read text messages on her phone from a guy at her work. I don't know what to do? I think she is cheating on me but I'm scared to bring it up the issue incase it prompts an end to our relationship. Please help Roy....

Matt H, Milton Keynes.

Roy Says...

Well Matt, your problem is not unusual. When I kept Fulham up last year I knew that my key player was going to be Danny Murphy. I had been a long admirer of Murphy since my days in Switzerland. I remember thinking to myself when he played for Liverpool, boy that's a player with potential. Anyway, I returned to England and ended up managing him. What a stroke of luck. Danny's goal kept us up last year. I owe him my job.

A great insight from Uncle Roy. Can he help you? If so get in touch! youcancallmestan@hotmail.co.uk

Mystic Wes 8

Mystic Wes returns this week after picking up an injury - ironically he didn't see that coming. Looking at this weekend's games Wes has predicted that there will be contrasting fortunes for the teams at the top. "There will be contrasting fortunes for the teams at the top"; he said.

Tinez Alert!

After a sabatical, he is about to return.

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Nicklas Bendtner

You may be wondering what happened to Nicklas Bendtner’s diary last week. We tried to track him down on Thursday for his updates but he’d gone A.W.O.L. We finally got hold of him on Saturday and he in as many words told us to f**k off. Needless to say we’re not going to involve him again; the self indulgent prick.

Bobby Zamora

I'm sure all of us are massive Uncle Roy fans. But what the hell was he doing when he signed Bobby Zamora. I am watching Fulham v Manchester and Zamora is making a total ass of himself. He doesn't have a clue.

Nicklas Bendtner's Diary - Wednesday

BANG! Yeah that’s right. I was on F . I . R . E . last night. Arsene saw sense and put me on from the start and how long did it take me to find the net? FOUR minutes. Yeah I know. I’m the tits. It was a great goal too. I got the ball out wide and beat the entire West Brom defence before powering a shot into the bottom corner. There was no way the keeper was saving it – I mean that Carson is a class act and he got nowhere near it. My second was another class finish. I took the ball on my knee on the right side of the area and thrashed it into the net. I almost popped a boner at my own skill. I really do surprise myself sometimes. I came close to a hat-trick but I got put off by the lack of skill my team-mates were showing. Should guarantee me a place for Sunday’s game against Burnley in the F.A. Cup, although we’d be as well putting our name on the trophy now given my form.

I’m hoping that the fans will sing my song on Sunday. I haven’t heard them singing anything about me so I have taken the liberty of creating my own. It’s to the tune of Copacabana by Barry Manilow.

His name is Nicklas, he is a striker
With yellow boots on his feet, no way you’ll keep a clean sheet
He scores screamers, volleys in off the bar
And while he keeps being a star, Eboue is under par
Across the crowded box, his shots are never stopped
He is skillfull and truly handsome
Who could ask for more?

I’ve decided to skip training today. Me and Ema are going to go to town for a bit. We’ll likely go shopping for some new gear. I might actually help Ema get some new threads. His dress sense is horrific, and if he’s going to be hanging out with me then he needs to look the part. I won’t let him buy anything too cool though – those items are reserved for the N Man (a.k.a. me). I also want to nip into Au-Naturale while we are in to get a new full length mirror because I need a new one for my room. The one I have has been worn out by my handsome good looks.

I’ve been thinking about getting some diamante encrusted boots for a while now. I said it after I gave the pink ones their debut in the Champions League and people thought I was joking. They are on their way though. I put in a call to my agent this morning to ask him to chase Nike up on it. I have also asked him to look into getting me some TV work. I’d be amazing on TV. I’ll definitely go into punditry when I retire, but I’d like to get some showbiz experience just now. I think I could present the Oscars next year, or maybe something smaller like the Grammys.

I’ll likely have a quiet night in tonight. I’m going to have a look for a new hairstyle and maybe buy some threads from asos.com. I'll obviously watch replays of last night's game and tug myself.

Peace out. N.

Goal of the Month - February

After much deliberation we have awarded goal of the month for February to the ever try-hard Dirk Kuyt at Liverpool. His equalizing goal against Pompy on the 7th was from a ridiculous angle. It also spurred them on to a 3v2 win when it looked almost impossible. The goal scoring hat also goes off to Emile Heskey for his first goal for Villa, again against Pompy - why do they keep conceding good goals?

Nicklas Bendtner's Diary - Tuesday

Just back from training. It was a total joke. I was banging in the goals during the session, while RVP and the rest of them were missing left, right and centre. I was a little late because I was ironing my G-Star Elwood jeans. I've always been at the forefront of style and it's important to me to look good when I turn up. I wore my pink boots today too. I wanted to impress the boss. I'm so angry though because it looks like I'm not starting tonight. Arsene said it's 50-50 at the moment. I should be first on the teamsheet for every game.

I went round to Arsene's office after training to have a word. I told him how I felt. He brought in Cesc for his opinion. I don't even know why he's here just now - he's supposed to be injured. He said that I have a bad attitude and that most of the lads don't like me. I called him a jumped up little knob (which he is), but Arsene told me to go home and get myself together for tonight. I'm going to call my agent and try to engineer a move to Real or Barca. I'm sure they're both desperate to sign me. After all who wouldn't want the best player in the world?

Right, I best be off. I'm pretty sure Arsene will see sense and put me in the team tonight. I only have a few hours to get myself ready before we leave for West Brom. I'm going to look out my orange boots. They're beauties.

Peace out. N.

Mystic Wes 7

Sunday saw Manchester United lift the Carling Cup, their second piece of silverware this season. Wes knew this was going to be the case last week when he made his predictions.

Wes has predicted that there will be a big win in the north during the mid-week games. When questioned on his prediction he replied; “Take my word for it. I’m never wrong”.

February Poll Results

The IaaB poll for February asked who would be 7th in the Premier League at the end of the month. Our top answer with 27% was West Ham United, who are currently in 7th position. Well done to all who voted. Perhaps Mystic Wes was involved?

Throughout March we will ask how many goals Manchester United will concede in all competitions. To cast your vote go to the poll on the right side of the blog.

Nicklas Bendtner's Diary - Monday

This week sees the latest installment of our player diary features with Arsenal’s Danish forward Nicklas Bendtner giving us an exclusive insight into the life of a Premiership footballer.

Monday

I’m still pretty angry about the weekend. Arsene decided to play Vela in front of me on Saturday. At home to Fulham of all teams. I’m far too good to be warming the bench, and I made my feelings clear before kick-off. Carlos was terrible too and got hauled off after 65 mins. I thought I played really well when I came on. The only reason I didn’t score was that the rest of my team “mates” aren’t on the same level as me. I’m in my own world here at Arsenal. The fans go on about Henry and Bergkamp but I’m the true legend. It’s only a matter of time before they realise.

Arsene wanted us all in early this morning to do some shot training. Obviously I don’t need to practice but it’s good to show the young guns how it’s done. I’ve just bought a pair of pink Converse hi-top trainers and I decided to wear them this morning. Everyone knows I’m cool. RVP (Van Persie) is jealous and said that I looked like a gimp, but I know that I’m cool. Me and Ema (Eboue) hang out together. He appreciates how cool I am. He knows I’m doing him a favour by being his mate. We don’t like anyone else in the squad but that suits us fine.

Tonight me and Ema are going to play Fifa round at mine. We’d go to his but he only has a PS2. I won’t let him get a PS3 because he’s not cool enough. I have a PS3 and an Xbox 360 – god I’m cool. I'll go and pick him up in my black BMW M5. He'll have to sit in the back though. I’ll probably get Ema to prank call Toure and Walcott, and I’ll chat to some hot babes on MSN Messenger.

We’ll have a light training session first thing tomorrow and we have a game away at West Brom at night. I’m sure that I’ll be first on the team sheet. No worries.

Peace out. N.