Phil Brown upsets two IAAB favourites

Following the last blog piece regarding Phil Brown he has further dropped in our estimations following his deadline day behaviour.

He made offers for both Benjani (this week's player of the week) and Marlon Harewood, but then never called to confirm the transfers.

Marlon is especially fragile at the moment having been dropped in favour of the physio at Villa for a recent reserve game. This move could have seen him back on track.

Portsmouth swooped for Benji after Phil neglected to sign, but unfortunately got the wrong bus south, and thus is still a Man C player.

Phil Brown: Is he Crap?

All of us are aware of the Premier League's very own Mexican manager Phil Brown, but after a season and a bit managing Hull in this league, we have to ask the question is he any good?

Last season, despite a superb start to the season followed by a monumental Leeds United style fall Brown managed to keep the Tigers in the prem. Along comes 09/10, and the difficult second season. Unlike Wigan and Bolton who have previosuly managed to avoid a second season drop, I have absolutely no faith that Phil Brown can do the same. To start with, the man doesn't look like a football manager, but the house karoke singer from 'Linker's bar' in Teneriffe.

Add to this his inability to deal with his team (I won't go into the pitch team talk at Eastlands last season), and his difficulty in the transfer market (Benjani today rejecting a move to the KC on grounds that Brown is a bit of a bell end) and you have the makings of the first managerial casulaty of the year. Sorry Phil. Though you never know, Paul (who?) Hart may well just pip you you it!

Mystic Wes 11

Many of you will know Wes Brown as the sometime Man United, sometime England defender. Others will know him as Mystic Wes due to his ability to predict the future with resounding accuracy. Every week, Wes will make his predictions known. A great source if you want to get a cheeky bet on.

Wes' record for the 2008/9 season was outstanding and we have full confidence that this will continue this term.


This week Wes has predicted that there will be a surprise addition to the Man United squad against Chelsea in the Charity Shield this afternoon. He said "All I'm saying is that he's an ex Liverpool, Real Madrid and Newcastle striker, who is most famous for scoring a goal for England v Argentina in the 2008 World Cup. He is also fond of horses. I don't want to give too much away".

We will be going to Wes on a weekly basis to get his predictions throughout the season.

The New Season

After a sloppy end to last season IAAB Bouncebackability is back for the new season. New features, interviews and possible lat signings are a prospect for the team. We have managed to keep hold of the big name players; Uncle Roy and Mystic Wes, despite some interest from abroad. At the moment we are unable to talk about the future of Jolean Lescott, but we hope this will be resolved within the week.

IAAB back once again - with news!

Another significant period of time has past since we last wrote. Apologies to our thousands of fans who have been left out to dry during this baron period.

There is a reason for this. Number 9 got engaged, and as a result has been tied up with other less important things for a few weeks. I have no excuses however, apart from the fact I don't have a reasonable internet connection.

To compensate for this I have been round the premier league grounds receiving congratulatory messages for number 9 following his good news.

We start at Wigan, where I met Mido in the JJB car park.

"Hey, great news on your engagement. Unlucky for Spurs that I am playing well at the moment. Should never of let me go."

Thanks Mido. From the JJB I went to Newcastle to meet Shearer. Little did I know that while Charles N'Zogbia had climbed into the boot of my Hyunda Getz and jumped out at the crucial moment hollering abuse at Shearer. Following this the Newcastle manager refused to comment on our good news.

So onwards to the Reebok. I was meeting Matt Taylor but as a bonus the gaffer, Gary Meggy Megson joined him.

Taylor - "Congrats mate, I knew you two would get married, wish it was me"

Megson - "This promises to be a fine event; I will start preparing a reading for the ceremony right away"

Megson also recommended a good vicar to conduct the ceremony. I was to meet him in Liverpool near Anfield and all I knew was his name was 'Sam'. I waited for what seemed an age before a builders van with ladders on the roof pulled up beside me. Unbelievably Sammy Lee got out. He apologised for being late, apparently he had been at Rafa's this morning doing some electrical wiring which had been a bigger job than he’d expected. It turns out he was the vicar Meggy had recommended. He said “oh yeah, I married half the Bolton squad and more recently Kuyt. I’ll do your ceremony, £30.00 all in.

Great, with the sorted we only had time for one more visit. I went South and to the home of, you guessed it, Uncle Roy.

Walking into Roy’s home was like taking a trip back to the sixties. Beige wallpaper, thick carpets and the smell of pensioners were what stood out for me. Roy was settling down in his favourite to an afternoon pipe but gave us these kind words.

“Marriage, I’ll tell you about marriage – It was 1962 and I was out shopping Gerry Francis. It was a Friday and we were off out on the pull, like any other Friday. I bought these grey cords, but my trick was always to buy a size too small. That way the ladies always have something to look at. Anyway, we got down ‘bar Copacabana’ early doors as we knew there would be fierce competition out that night. I had three pints of ale, Bass if I recall and Gerry and I were on the dance floor jiving away. Then rip. I burst my trousers. Couldn’t believe it. Gerry had the last laugh on that occasion. He had chosen to wear his trusty grey suit that he still wears to this day on Sky Sports News. It served him well, put it this way, he scored in more way than one that weekend!

Thanks Roy. Congratulations Number 9

Rafa's Factbook 2

1. Liverpool are going to win the Champions League.

2. Alex Ferguson is wrong.

3. Everton ARE a small club.

The Credit Crunch With Jolean Lescott 4

He's better known for landing crunching tackles on his opponents, but Everton centre half Jolean Lescott is also our resident shopaholic who looks high and low for bargains from club shops across the country. He is dedicated to helping you; the consumer with your day to day shopping. Jolean has enjoyed the multitude of European football on his TV this week and has been doing a bit of bargain hunting in the continental club shops. His first and most fruitful visit was to the Shakhtar Donesk club shop, where he found a number of must-have items for the rest of the season.


Jolean is obviously a Premier League footballer, and as such can afford to drive a nice car. His current spin is a 2007 Citroen Xsara Picasso; as he feels it mirrors his artistic side. There's nothing he hates more than to have a smelly car, so the right air freshener is essential. Shakhtar have this beautiful freshener on sale in their club shop for 6 Ukranian Grivna, which equates to around eight pence. Needless to say Jolean has bought 10,000. "I mean you can't put a price on the smell of a man's car. Sometimes I need to give the gaffer a lift home when his old Cortina breaks down. What would he say if my car smelt like Tony Hibbert's socks? I'd get dropped that's for sure!"

The air-freshener is available from http://www.shop.shakhtar.com/.

Goal of the Month - March

There were a few beauties scored last month, but we have decided that Carlos Tevez's effort against Fulham in the F.A. Cup was the standout strike. It was a Screamer!

Apologies for the video quality.

April Poll

Although some of you will have already noticed the new poll on the blog, we wanted to draw attention to it, and also reveal the results from March.

We had asked you how many goals Manchester United would concede during the month with 41% opting to go for 5-10. Once again the majority rules with United letting in seven goals, including that 1v4 home defeat to Liverpool.

This month we have turned to the Champions league, and ask how many goals will be scored in the Quarter-Finals stage of the competition. The poll is open until the end of next week so get voting.

Ask Uncle Roy 3

It's been a mixed month for Roy, first getting a win against Manchester United, only to lose to Liverpool the following week. Fortunately for us his advice as an agony uncle is far more consistent than his team's results. We sat him down to run his eye over an e-mail we had in from Lee from Leeds.

"Hi Roy. I have recently installed 18 spotlights in my kitchen to improve the lighting in the room. Unfortunately this seems to have coincided with a loss of power to all of the power sockets in the adjacent dining room. I had re-wired the room as I thought was correct, but now I am at a loss. I have tried to re-wire the power sockets into the circuit but to no avail. I know you are a dab-hand on the old electrics Roy - please help!"

"Hello Lee. Thanks for pointing that out. Many people don't know how good I am round the house. I learned how to wire electrics in 1971. I did a day course at the local college and learned everything I needed to know. Back in those days we had to do all our own wiring round the house. Mind you we didn't have all these appliances like the kids have nowadays. I tell you from their gamestations to their sex-boxes they will all end up with eyes worse than Paddy Kenny. And that's no mean feat. In my day we'd have to make do with a ball and some chalk."

Rafa's Factbook 1

Everyone who knows football, knows Rafa Benitez loves a fact. We have had the pleasure of sitting down with Rafa to discuss his general knowledge of football and other less serious matters.



We have carefully documented some of his "facts" for your pleasure. It would be a good idea to note these down as you never know when they might pop up in a pub quiz. Rafa was delighted that we had taken an interest in his mind; saying "Yes. Very good." We're not saying that we agree with him on everything; in fact we think he's full of s**t, but we'll let you make up your own mind.


Fact 1: Liverpool have played against Chelsea this week.



Fact 2: Mars is the home of Olympus Mons, the largest known volcano in our solar system.



Fact 3: Lucas Levia was a good buy.

Mystic Wes 10

First off we must congratulate Wes on his predictions for the last round of international games. He was adamant that Christian Noboa would score; and right enough the lad from Equador scored the goals in the 1v1 draws with Brazil and Paraguay.

Back onto real (domestic) football Wes has stated that there will be a blatant penalty in the league over the weekend. We spoke to him this morning and he said; "well the way I see it the ref has no choice. Got to be a pen."

EXCLUSIVE - Ferguson & McGregor Interview

On the day when Barry “Baz” Ferguson and Alan “who shagged all the birds?” McGregor were banned from playing for Scotland, we managed to sit them both down for a quick chat. We met them at the Snaffle Bit lounge in Glasgow’s trendy West End. The lads had clearly been pounding it when we found them. Barry had a penis drawn on his head in biro, while Alan was sitting in his pants. We here at iaabouncebackability are always professional, and we apologise for any offence the following interview may cause.

Iaab: Alright lads, how’s it going?

Barry: Pure baws man

Alan: Aye pure baws like

Iaab: Don’t you think it’s kinda your own fault?

Barry: Naw

Iaab: Well it is though isn’t it?

Barry: Naw

Iaab: What about you Alan, what are your thoughts?

Alan: Roon ye man [Alan spills the rest of his pint and storms off]

Iaab: Alan wait.......

Barry: Leave him. He’s a pure fud.

Iaab: That’s not a very nice thing to say about your team-mate.

Barry: Aye well he is.

Iaab: Oh well, we’ll take your word for it. So are you ever going to play for Rangers again?

Barry: Well not the now; no.

Iaab: Really? Is that an exclusive?

Barry: Naw. I just mean no the now cause I’m blootered.

Iaab: Don’t you think this is a bad idea; drinking again?

Barry: Get tae f**k man. You are a pure fud an all!

At this point Barry stands up from the table, falls flat on his face and throws up all over his Le Coq Sportif bag. We couldn’t help but laugh, which only antagonised the shamed Glaswegian. What followed was a 50 word tirade of abuse that we refuse to print.

The conduct of Alan and Barry has been disgraceful this week and we fully support the decisions of the SFA and Rangers football club. If you have been affected by any of the issues discussed in this interview, you can contact our resident agony Uncle, Roy Hodgson at youcancallmestan@hotmail.co.uk.

We managed to get a photo of Alan before he left:

Ask Uncle Roy 2

We eventually managed to get hold of Uncle Roy. It turns out he had been on a 2 week long bender with Dave Jones, Micky Adams and Peter Taylor celebrating his dismantling of the champions of the world.

We found Roy and the boys in the Horse and Groom just off Bayswater Road thanks to a tip off from Dace Bracegirdle (once again Dave comes up trumps, thank you Dave). He was playing 'hoops' and winning convincingly. We carted him off to the iaabouncebackability offices, sobered him up and sat him down to deal with a difficult problem facing Nigel from Belfast.

"Hi Roy, I have recently been laid off from my job as a taxi driver. I have two children and a wife that spends money like it's going out of fashion. I have been looking for a job for some time with no success, and I am worried I am going to lose my wife if I don't turn it round soon. She is very critcal of me, but I love her. I just want to make her happy. Please help Roy."

Hello Nick, Your problem is typical of a man living in Brown's Briatin. The Labour Government driving people out of jobs and breaking up families. Thats why I left in the 60's Paul, got myself across to the Costa Del Sol. Brilliant it was, had a three bedroom villa, use of a shared pool and crazy golf down the street. I remember a time I played Roy Evan's, the former Liverpool manager down there. It was neck and neck going into the last. I put the old bugger off by farting. Hilarious it was, and it stank. I putted the winner, and walked off with the prize. The keys to Roy's 1971 Volvo Amazon! Chin up Martin!

Pictured - Uncle Roy (far left) out with the lads!

Official Q&A

This week we link to Moritz Voltz's website to find out a bit more about Ipswich's loveable utility man.

http://www.moritzvolz.com/AboutMe/GettingPersonal/

Mystic Wes 9

Unbelievable. Wes has done it again. Indeed there were contrasting fortunes at the top of the league this week. This week Wes was referring to the premier league where two of the top four won, and the other two lost including his own Manchester United. Perhaps Wes should pass on some of his predicting abilities to Sir Alex?



Asked what was going to happen in this International Week of Football Wes commented "he's bound to score, no doubts." Come back next week to see if Wes is right once again!

The Credit Crunch With Jolean Lescott 3

He's better known for landing crunching tackles on his opponents, but Everton centre half Jolean Lescott is also our resident shopaholic who looks high and low for bargains from club shops across the country. He is dedicated to helping you; the consumer with your day to day shopping. There is an article in today’s Daily Record which highlights the financial plight of some of the clubs at the bottom of the SPL table. It seems that relegation could spell the end for more than one, with Kilmarnock being highlighted as being in particular danger. With this in mind Jolean has set his sights to the Killie club shop, to encourage punters to put some money towards their cause.

The item that took Jolean’s eye was the turf plaque; a bargain at £16.00. in a beautiful frame, there is a square of grass from the hallowed Rugby Park. There is also a lovely print of the club crest alongside it. Jolean said of the piece; “This is a wonderful gift for any football fan. Obviously the only grass for me is at Goodison, but I’d recommend anyone buy this piece. You will be getting a wonderful mantelpiece feature and helping a club in financial trouble.”

The plaque is available from http://www.killieshop.com/ and Rugby Park.

Ask Uncle Roy

You've heard of "Dear Deirdre", the sun's successful agony aunt column....?

Well here at iaabouncebackability, we have recruited our very own Agony Uncle. Most of you will know him as the manager of Fulham FC, or from your local Sainsburys where he helps out on Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights.




Roy Hodgson now has another string to his bow, offering advice to you, the humble football fan. He will be taking questions on a weekly basis on both football related matters as well as more personal matters including relationship, sexual health and career advice.

Roy said of his new role, "I have been on this planet for nearly 90 years now, and in my time I have travelled the world and experienced everything. My wife often calls me 'chief wisdom', on account of my tremendous knowledge about everything, from canal boats to the Japanese military. I am ready to share this knowledge now. Remember, no problem is too big for Uncle Roy."

We are extremely excited about our latest recruit, and there is a true buzz about the bouncebackability office. Send all your questions to youcancallmestan@hotmail.co.uk and you never know, Roy may be changing the course of YOUR life!

Week 1;

Dear Roy,I have been going out with my girlfriend now for 8 months, and for the most part it has been brilliant. We met at a roller disco in Milton Keynes, and since then I have moved jobs to be near to her, and have even sold my flat to buy something in the MK area. I thought it was great, until I read text messages on her phone from a guy at her work. I don't know what to do? I think she is cheating on me but I'm scared to bring it up the issue incase it prompts an end to our relationship. Please help Roy....

Matt H, Milton Keynes.

Roy Says...

Well Matt, your problem is not unusual. When I kept Fulham up last year I knew that my key player was going to be Danny Murphy. I had been a long admirer of Murphy since my days in Switzerland. I remember thinking to myself when he played for Liverpool, boy that's a player with potential. Anyway, I returned to England and ended up managing him. What a stroke of luck. Danny's goal kept us up last year. I owe him my job.

A great insight from Uncle Roy. Can he help you? If so get in touch! youcancallmestan@hotmail.co.uk

Mystic Wes 8

Mystic Wes returns this week after picking up an injury - ironically he didn't see that coming. Looking at this weekend's games Wes has predicted that there will be contrasting fortunes for the teams at the top. "There will be contrasting fortunes for the teams at the top"; he said.

Tinez Alert!

After a sabatical, he is about to return.

.

Nicklas Bendtner

You may be wondering what happened to Nicklas Bendtner’s diary last week. We tried to track him down on Thursday for his updates but he’d gone A.W.O.L. We finally got hold of him on Saturday and he in as many words told us to f**k off. Needless to say we’re not going to involve him again; the self indulgent prick.

Bobby Zamora

I'm sure all of us are massive Uncle Roy fans. But what the hell was he doing when he signed Bobby Zamora. I am watching Fulham v Manchester and Zamora is making a total ass of himself. He doesn't have a clue.

Nicklas Bendtner's Diary - Wednesday

BANG! Yeah that’s right. I was on F . I . R . E . last night. Arsene saw sense and put me on from the start and how long did it take me to find the net? FOUR minutes. Yeah I know. I’m the tits. It was a great goal too. I got the ball out wide and beat the entire West Brom defence before powering a shot into the bottom corner. There was no way the keeper was saving it – I mean that Carson is a class act and he got nowhere near it. My second was another class finish. I took the ball on my knee on the right side of the area and thrashed it into the net. I almost popped a boner at my own skill. I really do surprise myself sometimes. I came close to a hat-trick but I got put off by the lack of skill my team-mates were showing. Should guarantee me a place for Sunday’s game against Burnley in the F.A. Cup, although we’d be as well putting our name on the trophy now given my form.

I’m hoping that the fans will sing my song on Sunday. I haven’t heard them singing anything about me so I have taken the liberty of creating my own. It’s to the tune of Copacabana by Barry Manilow.

His name is Nicklas, he is a striker
With yellow boots on his feet, no way you’ll keep a clean sheet
He scores screamers, volleys in off the bar
And while he keeps being a star, Eboue is under par
Across the crowded box, his shots are never stopped
He is skillfull and truly handsome
Who could ask for more?

I’ve decided to skip training today. Me and Ema are going to go to town for a bit. We’ll likely go shopping for some new gear. I might actually help Ema get some new threads. His dress sense is horrific, and if he’s going to be hanging out with me then he needs to look the part. I won’t let him buy anything too cool though – those items are reserved for the N Man (a.k.a. me). I also want to nip into Au-Naturale while we are in to get a new full length mirror because I need a new one for my room. The one I have has been worn out by my handsome good looks.

I’ve been thinking about getting some diamante encrusted boots for a while now. I said it after I gave the pink ones their debut in the Champions League and people thought I was joking. They are on their way though. I put in a call to my agent this morning to ask him to chase Nike up on it. I have also asked him to look into getting me some TV work. I’d be amazing on TV. I’ll definitely go into punditry when I retire, but I’d like to get some showbiz experience just now. I think I could present the Oscars next year, or maybe something smaller like the Grammys.

I’ll likely have a quiet night in tonight. I’m going to have a look for a new hairstyle and maybe buy some threads from asos.com. I'll obviously watch replays of last night's game and tug myself.

Peace out. N.

Goal of the Month - February

After much deliberation we have awarded goal of the month for February to the ever try-hard Dirk Kuyt at Liverpool. His equalizing goal against Pompy on the 7th was from a ridiculous angle. It also spurred them on to a 3v2 win when it looked almost impossible. The goal scoring hat also goes off to Emile Heskey for his first goal for Villa, again against Pompy - why do they keep conceding good goals?

Nicklas Bendtner's Diary - Tuesday

Just back from training. It was a total joke. I was banging in the goals during the session, while RVP and the rest of them were missing left, right and centre. I was a little late because I was ironing my G-Star Elwood jeans. I've always been at the forefront of style and it's important to me to look good when I turn up. I wore my pink boots today too. I wanted to impress the boss. I'm so angry though because it looks like I'm not starting tonight. Arsene said it's 50-50 at the moment. I should be first on the teamsheet for every game.

I went round to Arsene's office after training to have a word. I told him how I felt. He brought in Cesc for his opinion. I don't even know why he's here just now - he's supposed to be injured. He said that I have a bad attitude and that most of the lads don't like me. I called him a jumped up little knob (which he is), but Arsene told me to go home and get myself together for tonight. I'm going to call my agent and try to engineer a move to Real or Barca. I'm sure they're both desperate to sign me. After all who wouldn't want the best player in the world?

Right, I best be off. I'm pretty sure Arsene will see sense and put me in the team tonight. I only have a few hours to get myself ready before we leave for West Brom. I'm going to look out my orange boots. They're beauties.

Peace out. N.

Mystic Wes 7

Sunday saw Manchester United lift the Carling Cup, their second piece of silverware this season. Wes knew this was going to be the case last week when he made his predictions.

Wes has predicted that there will be a big win in the north during the mid-week games. When questioned on his prediction he replied; “Take my word for it. I’m never wrong”.

February Poll Results

The IaaB poll for February asked who would be 7th in the Premier League at the end of the month. Our top answer with 27% was West Ham United, who are currently in 7th position. Well done to all who voted. Perhaps Mystic Wes was involved?

Throughout March we will ask how many goals Manchester United will concede in all competitions. To cast your vote go to the poll on the right side of the blog.

Nicklas Bendtner's Diary - Monday

This week sees the latest installment of our player diary features with Arsenal’s Danish forward Nicklas Bendtner giving us an exclusive insight into the life of a Premiership footballer.

Monday

I’m still pretty angry about the weekend. Arsene decided to play Vela in front of me on Saturday. At home to Fulham of all teams. I’m far too good to be warming the bench, and I made my feelings clear before kick-off. Carlos was terrible too and got hauled off after 65 mins. I thought I played really well when I came on. The only reason I didn’t score was that the rest of my team “mates” aren’t on the same level as me. I’m in my own world here at Arsenal. The fans go on about Henry and Bergkamp but I’m the true legend. It’s only a matter of time before they realise.

Arsene wanted us all in early this morning to do some shot training. Obviously I don’t need to practice but it’s good to show the young guns how it’s done. I’ve just bought a pair of pink Converse hi-top trainers and I decided to wear them this morning. Everyone knows I’m cool. RVP (Van Persie) is jealous and said that I looked like a gimp, but I know that I’m cool. Me and Ema (Eboue) hang out together. He appreciates how cool I am. He knows I’m doing him a favour by being his mate. We don’t like anyone else in the squad but that suits us fine.

Tonight me and Ema are going to play Fifa round at mine. We’d go to his but he only has a PS2. I won’t let him get a PS3 because he’s not cool enough. I have a PS3 and an Xbox 360 – god I’m cool. I'll go and pick him up in my black BMW M5. He'll have to sit in the back though. I’ll probably get Ema to prank call Toure and Walcott, and I’ll chat to some hot babes on MSN Messenger.

We’ll have a light training session first thing tomorrow and we have a game away at West Brom at night. I’m sure that I’ll be first on the team sheet. No worries.

Peace out. N.

A Break From Bouncebackability

Bouncebackability has been taking a SPL-esque winter break this week. Number9 has been hanging out with former Spurs player Ramon Vega. They have spent most of their time drinking espresso and discussing the finer details of his proposed Pompy takeover. He knew that it was a joke, but couldn’t bear to tell him. You Can Call Me Stan has been in Korea scouting Lee Keun-ho on behalf of Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce.

Next week, Mystic Wes and Jolean Lescott will be back as well as a special player diary from Nicklas Bendtner. We will also have the next contender for the Burton Premier League Style Icon 2009.

We will look forward to bouncing back next week.

Mystic Wes 6

Once again Wes was right, this time with his double prediction. First of all West Brom lost 2v0 at Craven Cottage to remain firmly rooted to the bottom of the league. Goals from Andy Johnson and Bobby Zamora, saw off the Baggies and move Fulham to 8th in the table. Wes’ second prediction that there would be another shock in La Liga was again spot on.

La Liga bottom club Espanol defeated high flying Barcelona 2v1 at the Camp Nou. This is the first time in Spanish top league history that the bottom club has beaten the top club away from home and it’s also Barcelona’s first league defeat in 22 matches.

This week Wes has predicted that someone will win some silverware this weekend. “The trophy will be in the cabinet”, he said.

The Credit Crunch With Jolean Lescott 2

He's better known for landing crunching tackles on his opponents, but every week, Everton centre half Jolean Lescott will be picking out bargains from club shops across the country. He is dedicated to helping you; the consumer with your day to day shopping. This week Jolean has been shopping for his pet dog Brian; named after the former Aston Villa and Stoke manager Brian Little. It was at one of Little's former clubs Stoke that Jolean has found this weeks star buys.

The matching lead and dog bowl from the Pet Accessories section of http://www.scfcdirect.com/ is the perfect way to celebrate your pet and Stoke City at the same time. Jolean said "I personally hate Stoke. They are a terrible club. I particularly dislike Rory Delap - who does he think he is with his ridiculous throw? Anyway I owe it to Brian to support one of his former clubs, and they were both a bargain!"

Brian (Jolean's dog, not Little) can be seen in the first photo enjoying his bowl, which retails at £9.78. The lead costs £7.82 and are both available now. Jolean would also recommend a browse through the executive gifts section where you will find a leatherette suit carrier for £34.25.

Whoa-o NIGEL REO COKER

Nigel Reo Coker is a man who has had more than his fair share of stick from the Holte end at Villa Park. His performances have been improving though and once inspired one writer of this blog, who is a Man United fan to comment “I’d have him in my team” on the 606 phone-in. His versatility as a player has to be admired and his professionalism is of the highest order. He did once play for West Ham, but we can forgive him for that – it’s all in the past.

In his honour we have written a chant that we would urge all Villa fans to adopt. We will be blasting it out at our next trip to Villa Park so please join us. Just imagine the dance moves that could accompany this one!

To the tune of the Hokey Cokey:

You put your left leg in, your left leg out

In out, in out, you shake it all about

You do the Reo Coker and you turn around

That's what it's all about!

Whoa-o NIGEL REO COKER

Whoa-o NIGEL REO COKER

Whoa-o NIGEL REO COKER

Knees bent, arms stretched

Raa raa raa!

You know this makes sense.

Style Icon - The Premier League

We have seen them all battling week after week on the football field, but now premier league footballers have a new challenge on their hands. The fight to become the 2009 Burton's style Icon.

Each week a different premiership player, following a professional photo shoot will tell us why they believe they are the premier league's style icon.

This week - Stilian Petrov.

We met Petrov in the Toby Carvery just off M42. Following the photographs 'stan' declared he was the Burton's style Icon. He said; "I have the style to match the skills. I have seen no other player carry off cool threads with swish jewellery in such a sophisticated way. I will take on anything anyone will throw at me. I am THE STYLE".

What do you think?




Pop your comments below and let us know if Stan is you style influence!

Mystic Wes 5

Well - what can you say? Wes said there would be a surprise in Europe and he was right. Real Betis found themselves two nil up against Barcelona on Saturday. The match ended two all but that is enough of a surprise in itself. Barca were on 59 points going into the game and currently have a goal difference of +52. After the game Betis are in the bottom half of the table, 14th on 26 points. They are 53 goals worse off.

As ever Wes is looking forward to next week and has foreseen that West Brom will still be in the bottom three. When asked if this would be the case he said; "yeah definitely." He also predicted that there would be another shock in Spain, saying "for sure."

If I Was The Manager (Manchester United)

We all like to think that we'd do a better job than some of the managers in professional football and after a few pints we all think we're Fergie. So..... after a few pints, and with the help of some beer mats we will run the rule over a number of club and international teams to see just how we would line them up.

This week's beer mat - Tennents (Wherever It Takes Us - Whatever It Takes)

If I was the manager of.......... Manchester United



Formation - 4-3-2-1. Obviously this isn't always going to be the right choice, but in a perfect world I would pick:

• Goalkeeper - Edwin Van Der Sar (The obvious choice. Simply World class)

• Right Back - Rafael (Great young player. Attack minded and decent in defence)
• Left Back - Patrice Evra (Similar to Rafael but a little more experienced)
• Centre Back 1 - Rio Ferdinand (Takes the captain's armband. Brilliant defender and leader)
• Centre Back 2 - Nemanja Vidic (Solid and likely to get a goal)
  

• Defensive Centre Mid - Michael Carrick (Fantastic ball winning and distribution qualities)
• Left Centre Mid - Ryan Giggs (No sign of losing his magic touch)
• Right Centre Mid - Wayne Rooney (Free role for him. He is indispensable)
  

• Left Attack - Carlos Tevez (As likely to badger for the ball in defence as pop it in the net. Fantastic work rate)
• Right Attack - Christiano Ronaldo (Deadly on the wing. The best player in the world)
• Centre Forward - Dimitar Berbatov (Skillful, graceful and powerful - the perfect striker)
  

Sub 1 - Ben Foster
Sub 2 - Jonny Evans
Sub 3 - John O'Shea
Sub 4 - Darren Fletcher
Sub 5 - Anderson
Sub 6 - Paul Scholes
Sub 7 - Danny Wellbeck

Fantasy transfer - Ashley Young (He would be the perfect successor to Ryan Giggs on the left)

What's Going On at Chelsea?

In a week where ‘Big Phil’ was sacked as the manager of Chelsea, there have been further reports of cracks and rifts in the Stamford Bridge dressing room. A team that looked so solid only two years ago is starting to crumble. Scolari has criticised the beurocracy of the Chelsea team; there is clearly only one way to sort things out once and for all, and that’s with a good old fashioned fight. Ladies and Gentlemen; welcome to the Chelsea Football Club Championship 2009.


This glorious competition is between the two halves in the team. Each side is represented by five senior team members, who will compete in a series of painstakingly brutal events, with the winner naming the club captain and manager for the 2009/10 season. There will be five challenges; a mix of single and multi-player games. Team captains will nominate who takes part in each event. Due to the competitive nature of proceedings teams were labelled 1 and 2. Let’s have a look at the team sheets.

Team 1

John Terry (C)
Frank Lampard
Michael Ballack
Joe Cole
Deco

Team A

Didier Drogba (C)
Juliano Beletti
Jon Obi Mikel
Ashley Cole
Florent Malouda

Event 1 – The Joey Barton Experiment

This is a test of restraint. Individuals from each team are put in a room with Joey Barton. Joey is in a full kit doing keepy-ups, whilst singing the popular 90’s song “Living La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin while the competitor must restrain themselves from going through him.

First up. Team 1. Ever the captain John Terry nominates himself to take on this first challenge. Ever the professional John managed to stay in the room for an impressive 2hr 45mins before giving up.

Didier Drogba, captain for Team A selected Jon Obi Mikel to take part in the first challenge. This proved to be a mistake with Mikel snapping Barton after a mere 34 seconds. Drogba's judgement was called into question by Florent Malouda who said of Mikel "Il casserait une fille de dix ans donnee la chance." (He would snap a ten year old girl if given the chance).

Team 1 (1) – (0) Team A

Event 2 – Lawrie Sanchez’s Limerick Challenge

For this test of reflex and quick thinking we have brought in the former Northern Ireland manager Lawrie Sanchez. One player from each team will compete at the same time for this event. Mr Sanchez will recite the beginning a limerick, with the first competitor to correctly finish the line collecting the points. Best of three wins.

Team 1 have put forward Joe Cole for this event, while Ashley Cole; full of self importance has nominated himself. Could it be that Drogba has lost the unity of team A?

First Limerick – There was a young lady from Hyde, // Who ate a green apple and died. // While her lover lamented, // The apple fermented // ?????????

Straight in there with “And made Cider insider her inside” – Ashley Cole! He must have heard that one before!

Second Limerick – I once had a blind date with Cilla, // I took her to watch Aston Villa. // She sang to the crowd, // And she sang very loud // ?????????

All eyes are on Ashley after his impressive performance in round one. He looks confused. Joe on the other hand is beginning to laugh, saying “And that's why they threatened to kill her.” Bang on. He then went on to explain that Steve Sidwell had told him that one in the pub during the previous week.

Third Limerick – I went to the staffroom one day, // For a nice cup of tea during play. // But a troll had got in, // And was making a din // ?????????

The two Coles were locked in battle. There was so much riding on this question, but neither could come up with the right answer. A few guesses were wide of the mark. Frustrations clearly boiled over when Joe quipped “it should be ‘His name was Ashley the gay’.”

Ashley Cole, ever the target of homosexual rumours lost the plot at this remark and proceeded to punch Joe in the face. Joe went down like a sack of potatoes. After much arguing, our independent adjudicator Mark Lawrenson decided to disqualify both competitors. For those interested the correct answer was “Even though he had nothing to say.”

Team 1 (1) – (0) Team A

Event 3 – The Unfortunate Curbishley Incident

This event is designed to test the effectiveness of each individual. We have gathered 30 members of the public and split them into two groups. Each group would be left in a room with Alan Curbishley for an hour, with Alan going into detail why he “deserves to be a Premiership manager.” Obviously the mood in the room after an hour with Curbishley isn’t going to be great. Our competitors will enter the room alone and try to change the mood within 10 minutes.

First up is Florent Malouda for Team A. He entered the room and started to mingle with the guests. Strangely though, no-one seemed to notice him. It was like he wasn’t even there. We waited for 10 minutes and called an end to his attempt. Afterwards none of the guests were able to recall his performance.

Team 1 looking to capitalise on the situation send in Deco. Much like Malouda before him, he struggled to make an immediate impact. It wasn’t looking great until around the nine minute mark when he shouted, in slightly convoluted English “Shut up Curbishley! You are a terrible manager and you don’t deserve to be at a Prem club. You are a failure and above all a total pri*k!” The room erupted with laughter and vocal concurrence. Round three to Team 1 then.

Team 1 (2) – (0) Team A

Event 4 – George’s General Knowledge

In the penultimate event, Michael Ballack and Juliano Beletti will be tested on their knowledge of English Lower league football by Scotland manager George Burley. Each player will answer five questions with the winner taking the point. If the score is tied after five then we head to sudden death.

It’s clear that neither player is particularly up to date with the lower leagues as it took us until the 8^th extra question for a correct answer. Juliano correctly named Graham Turner as Hereford United manager. The only reason he knew this was because they had met in Café Nero the last time Graham was through in London. Apparently they spoke for 5 minutes, but Beletti didn’t have a clue who he was. He took a photo on his mobile and showed it to Ray Wilkins who filled in the blanks.

Team 1 (2) – (1) Team A

Event 5 – Penalties with Petr

For the final challenge both teams will take penalties against Chelsea number 1 Petr Cech. The first penalty will be taken by the competitor yet to be involved. First up for team 1 is Frank Lampard. The England man blasts the ball into the bottom left – Cech didn’t even move; great pen!

Next up is Didier Drogba. He opts for the same corner and finds the net by narrowly avoiding the fingers of Cech. Deco next up for team 1 plants the ball in the top corner. There’s no way Cech was saving that one, although again he didn’t even dive. Team A are not convinced by his performance or allegiance so far.

Ashley Cole takes a short run up, but Cech saves his penalty down to his right. It wasn’t a great penalty but Team A are incensed at the keeper’s save. Team 1 currently lead 2 v 1.

With a chance to put his team 3 v 1 up, we have Joe Cole. He is looking at the bottom left corner and that’s exactly where his pen is going – until it comes back off the up-right. Shocker! Malouda doesn’t waste the chance to level things up with a powerful penalty straight down the middle.

Ballack is up next for Team 1 and makes no mistake. The German international captain places his shot into the side netting. Cech had no chance although we’re sure he’s not trying. Mikel needs to put this one away or JT will have one for the win. He takes a short run up and aims low but Cech makes an excellent save, tipping it onto the outside of the post. Would you believe it!?

John Terry steps up. We all know what happened last time he was in this situation. Fear is written all over his face. He takes a deep breath, runs up and hits it. Surely not! It’s happened again. Poor John looks in anguish as his penalty sails over the crossbar. His nerves surely got the better of him. It’s up to Beletti now to capitalise on this mistake. He finds the net and we go to sudden death!

So it’s back to where we started. Lampard opts to blast it down the middle. Cech again makes no effort to save the ball but the sheer ferocity of Franks shot catches him unawares and it clips his head and bounces up onto the crossbar. Drogba now has a chance to win. He surely couldn’t have thought he would get the chance.

No mistake. Drogba sends Cech the wrong way and the ball nestles in the bottom right corner. With the score now tied we head to the tiebreaker round.

Team 1 (2) – (2) Team A

Event 6 – Cookie’s Crossbar Challenge

To settle this we have drafted in two Chelsea legends to undertake the crossbar challenge. Each player will take it in turns to shoot from the halfway line in a bid to hit the bar. Competing in this special challenge we have Dan Petrescu and Gianluca Vialli. Adjudicating this event we have a man who knows European football like the back of his hand, Chris ‘Cookie’ Coleman.

In what turned out to be a long drawn out event Petrescu won it for Team 1 after his 86^th attempt. Notes have been taken that this isn’t a time-effective way to settle a contest.

Team 1 have decided that JT will remain captain for next season and they will draft in Harry Redknapp to take over as manager. Watch this space.

Team 1 (3) - (2) Team A